Oh I feel the cosmos alright.

I come bearing not drinks today, but knowledge.

One of the biggest questions in cocktails is when to stir, and when to shake. While many of you might take your mixology tips from James Bond when he orders his Vespers “shaken, not stirred”, any bartender worth their St. Germain is probably going to look at you a little funny when you do so.

Why?

Because you’re not really a British secret agent* and you look like kind of an idiot. You’re also ruining your perfectly good martini. 

Here’s the deal, the point of shaking a drink is to thoroughly mix in any non-liquoir component that wouldn’t readily incorporate with just stirring. Things like fruit and citrus juices, heavy creams or cream based liqueurs, sugar and sugar syrups, or even egg whites need to be shaken. Especially egg whites. Remember this, there will be a test cocktail featuring this in the very near future.
The process of shaking also creates a whole lot of fine bubbles or even ice chips initially, which alters the mouthfeel (yes, that is the technical term) of a cocktail significantly. 

Stirring, however, is used for cocktails composed entirely of spirits, such as the classic 3-1 martini. Gin and vermouth will mix readily with a little gentle encouragement, there’s no need for brute force here. 

Some people will tell you that shaking produces a colder, more ideal cocktail, these people are also fools with little understanding of that whole thermodynamics thing. So, however, are the people who say that you’ll ‘bruise’ a spirit if you shake it. The only way you’re going to bruise anything with gin is if you beam someone in the head with a bottle of beefeater. Gin is a tough cookie, it can take care of itself. 

Thus, the golden-it’s-more-of-a-guideline-really; Stir booze, Shake everything else.
 
Also the secret room is behind the tree next to the three pots. 


*Unless you are, in which case, you’re completely right, please don’t kill me.